The Making Of A Nice GuyI concluded the previous chapter with the question, "Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?" After spending years examining the Nice Guy Syndrome from every possible angle, there is only one answer to this question that makes sense: Because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Further, the only thing that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one's self by trying to become something different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or dangerous thing. The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were. So how did Nice Guys receive these messages and why did they respond to them in the way that they did? The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men who believe they have to be "good" in order to be loved. Coping With AbandonmentThe most impressionable time in an individual's life is from birth to about five years. In these first few years a child's personality is most significantly influenced by his surroundings. It is during this time that his paradigms begin to be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a child's parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our examination of the origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome. There are two important facts we must understand about children. First, when children come into the world they are totally helpless. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely, judicious manner. As a result of this dependency, every child's greatest fear is abandonment. To children, abandonment means death. Second, children are ego-centered. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them. These two factors — their fear of abandonment and their ego-centeredness — create a very powerful dynamic for all children. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. These abandonment experiences might include any of the following experiences: He is hungry and no one feeds him.He cries and no one holds him.He is lonely and no one pays attention to him.A parent gets angry at him.A parent neglects him.A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him.A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs.A parent shames him.A parent hits him.A parent doesn't want him.A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner. Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect family, every child has abandonment experiences. Even though their belief that they are the cause of these painful events is, in fact, an inaccurate interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the world. Toxic ShameThese abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief in some young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are. They conclude that there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them. They have no way of comprehending that their abandonment experiences are not caused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs. This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called toxic shame. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad. Survival Mechanisms As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1) Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned. 2) Try to prevent similar events from happening again. 3) Try to hide their internalized toxic shame (or perceived badness) from themselves and others. Children find a multitude of creative ways to try to accomplish these three goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem illogical for a child to do something that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel as bad as feeling lonely or isolated. Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame. The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm When I first began exploring my own Nice Guy attitudes and behaviors I had no idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good family and had lived a pretty good life. When I began observing other men with traits similar to my own, I encountered the same general lack of insight into the origins of their own emotional and behavioral patterns. When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect," "great," "Leave It To Beaver," or "All-American" families. Nevertheless, these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal. Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different childhood experiences. They are all unique in the way that their Nice Guy scripts are played out in their adult lives. In spite of these differences, they all developed a core belief in childhood that they were not OK just as they were. As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws. All of these men believed that these life strategies were necessary if they were to have any hope of being loved, getting their needs met, and having a problem-free life. AlanThe oldest of three children in a single parent family, Alan prided himself on having never caused his mother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school. He believed that these things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special. Alan's father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was seven. At an early age, Alan made a decision to be 180 degrees different from his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-keeled. Alan worked hard to never be angry or demeaning like his father. He was an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did drugs as a teenager. Alan's mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that preached hell-fire and brimstone. He came to believe that he was a "sinner" for having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though he always worked hard to be a good Christian, he lived with a constant fear that he might make a mistake and suffer everlasting punishment. Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her children. She would listen and wasn't critical. Frequently, she and Alan would commiserate with each other about all the "bad" things his dad did. On more than one occasion, Alan's mother told him that she was trying to raise her sons to be different from their father. She wanted them to grow up to be giving, peaceful, and respectful of women. As an adult, Alan still stays in close touch with his mother and does whatever he can to help make her life easier. JasonJason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a "Leave It To Beaver" family. In reality, both of Jason's parents lived through their children. Though he saw his childhood as "ideal", in actuality, his parents used him and his siblings to meet their own needs. Jason believed his parents were "perfect." He described them as being strict and overprotective. He acknowledged that he was sheltered and sexually naive and admitted that he might have been smothered by his parents. Jason's father closely directed the family. Jason reported that his father still tried to control Jason's life. Jason shared a chiropractic practice with his father who ran the business and told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he should attend. Jason described his mother as a "wonderful, loving woman." He reported that she was always involved with the kids. With no friends of her own, she turned to her children for companionship and affirmation of her worth. Jason couldn't remember his parents showing much affection to each other. He couldn't picture them having sex, and wondered how they made three kids. Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn't remember them ever going out or taking a vacation just by themselves. As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he did was calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a good professional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents. JoseA successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking a hundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain. He repressed his anger and tried to never say anything that would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was "recognition." Jose was attracted to dependent women. He found it interesting that he seemed to be attracted to incest survivors. He stayed in his present relationship because he was concerned about the financial welfare of his girlfriend. He was afraid she wouldn't make it if he left. Jose openly acknowledged that he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of seven children in a lower class family. At around the age of 14, he took on the role of parenting his younger siblings. Jose reported that there was tremendous chaos in his family and he saw his job as protecting his brothers and sisters from its effects. Jose saw his father as angry, controlling, and abusive. He was explosive and demeaning to the boys and sexually abusive to the girls. Jose's mother was manic-depressive. She had extreme mood swings and had a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house would be spotless, she would talk of entertaining politicians and socialites, and she would begin destructive sexual relationships. When she was depressed, she kept the windows covered, the house became a wreck, and she would threaten to kill herself. When he was 15, Jose had to break through a locked door and take a loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all seven kids stood by terrified. Jose saw this as a typical scenario growing up in his home. Jose worked hard all of his life to be different from his family. His family had him on a pedestal and he was the one to whom everyone turned whenever they had a problem. His job as a family member was fixing chaos. His job as a business consultant was fixing chaos. His role in relationships was fixing chaos. Jose's life script required chaos, because without it, he would be out of a job. Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace." It was these factors, he believed, that allowed him to escape his family dysfunction and make something of himself. Without them, he was convinced, he would have ended up just like his parents and the rest of siblings. Child Development 101 Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways, internalized a belief that they were not OK just as they were and their survival depended on becoming something different. To help us connect the dots and see how three very different childhood experiences could create three men with very similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child development principles presented earlier in this chapter. 1) All children are born totally helpless. 2) A child's greatest fear is abandonment. 3) All children are ego-centered. 4) All children have numerous abandonment experiences — their needs are not met in a timely, judicious manner. 5) When a child has an abandonment experience, he always believes that he is the cause. 6) This naive misinterpretation creates toxic shame — a belief that he is "bad". 7) Children develop survival mechanisms to try to cope with their abandonment experiences, try to prevent the experiences from happening again, and try to hide their "badness" from themselves and others. 8) These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child's inherent powerlessness and naive view of himself and the world.From Perfect Little Boys To Nice Guys The principles above can be applied to the childhood experiences of Alan, Jason, Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book. The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms. AbandonmentLike all Nice Guys, Alan, Jason, and Jose were abandoned in various ways: Alan and Jose had an angry or critical parent who communicated that they were not OK just as they were. Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father lashed out at Alan. This implied that he wasn't worth protecting. Alan came to believe that he had to be different from his father to be seen as a good man and be loved by his mother. Alan and Jason were used and objectified by their parents. They were valued for always doing it "right" and never being a problem. This communicated that they were only lovable when they lived up to their parent's expectations. Since Jason believed his parents were "perfect" he always felt flawed and inadequate compared to them. Neither of Jose's parents provided any guidance, nurturing, or support. This communicated that he was of little or no value to them. Alan and Jason grew up in fundamentalist churches that reinforced a need to be perfect and sinless. Failure to do so meant everlasting punishment. Jose believed he was valuable only if he was different from his crazy family. All three — Alan, Jason, and Jose — believed that someone else's needs were more important than their own — a common occurrence in Nice Guy families. All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they communicated to these little boys that they were not OK just as they were. ShameRegardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed, used, smothered, controlled, or objectified, all Nice Guys internalized the same belief — it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to be just who they were. Some of these messages were communicated overtly by parents who had no concern for the child's welfare. Some were communicated indirectly by caring parents who themselves were too young, overwhelmed, or distracted to provide a nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were communicated by circumstances that were beyond anyone's control. In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that caused these things to happen. Using child-like logic he concluded, "There must be something wrong with me because ____________." Fill in the blank: When I cry, no one comes. Mom gets that look on her face. Dad left and didn't come back.Mom has to do everything for me. Dad yells at me. I'm not perfect like Mom and Dad. I can't make Mom happy. These childhood experiences also caused the young boy to believe, "I'm only good enough and lovable when ____________." Fill in the blank: I'm different from Dad. Mom needs me. I don't make any mistakes. I make good grades. I'm happy. I'm not like my brother. I don't cause anyone any problems. I make Mom and Dad happy. Survival Mechanisms As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate interpretation of these events, all Nice Guys developed survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1) Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences. 2) Try to prevent these abandonment experiences from occurring again. 3) Try to hide their toxic shame from themselves and others. For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following life paradigm: IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these men have. Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at their desired location — a smooth, happy life. Even though this life script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results. Two Kinds Of Nice Guys The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their abandonment experiences and internalized toxic shame are usually manifested in one of two ways. In one form, a Nice Guy exaggerates his belief about his "not OK-ness" and believes he is the worst kind of person. I call this man the "I'm so bad" Nice Guy. The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows and getting whippings as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager. He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult. He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice. The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t". This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person. Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be. I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood. *****************************Breaking Free Activity #3 It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived flaws and seek approval from others. I don't believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script. Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script.*****************************The Baby Boom Generation And The Sensitive Guy Every child who has ever lived has experienced various forms of abandonment. There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible reactions. The childhood experiences described above are probably not sufficient in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I encounter regularly. I have no doubt that Nice Guys have always existed. There have always been Marvin Milquetoast and Walter Mitty kinds of guys out there. I'm sure there has never been a shortage of mama's boys and henpecked husbands. I believe many little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented numbers. To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II. These social dynamics included: The transition from an agrarian to an industrial economy.The movement of families from rural areas to urban areas.The absence of fathers from the home.The increase in divorce, single parent homes, and homes headed by women.An educational system dominated by women.Women's liberation and feminism.The Vietnam War.The sexual revolution. These events combined to have a major impact on American boys growing up in this era. These social changes created three profound dynamics that contributed to the wide spread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation. 1) Boys were separated from their fathers and other significant male role models. As a result, men became disconnected from other men in general and confused as to what it meant to be male. 2) Boys were left to be raised by women. The job of turning boys into men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women. 3) Radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary. The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as "bad" men.20th Century History 101 The following is a brief overview of how some of the dynamic social changes of the last half of the 20th century helped create the bumper crop of Nice Guys in our culture. The Loss Of Fathers The shift to a manufacturing society and an urban migration in the post-war years took fathers away from their sons in droves. According to the US census, in 1910 one-third of all families lived on farms. By 1940, this number had shrunk to one in five. By 1970, 96 percent of all families lived in urban areas. In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields. This often meant contact with extended family that included grandfathers, uncles, and cousins. This daily contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their fathers. As families migrated from rural areas to cities and suburbs after World War II, the contact between fathers and sons diminished significantly. Dads left home in the morning and went to work. Most sons never got to see what their fathers did, let alone have much time to spend with them. Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men's addictions to work, TV, alcohol, and sex took them away from their sons. Increases in divorce began to separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of divorce among men tripled from 1940 to 1970. In 1940, just over five million households were headed by women. By 1970, this figure had almost tripled to over 13 million households. In general, the Nice Guys I have worked with do not report having had a close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood. Sometimes this was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being passive. More often than not, Nice Guys describe their fathers in negative terms. They often see them as controlling, rageful, angry, absent, abusive, unavailable, addictive, or philandering. It is not unusual at some point in childhood for Nice Guys to have made a conscious decision to be different from their fathers. The unavailability of dads during this era often required mothers to take over the job of the fathers. Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately even the most well-meaning mothers are not equipped to teach their sons how to be men by themselves. This hasn't kept them from trying. I believe the significant number of Nice Guys produced in the '40s, '50s, and '60s is the direct result of mothers, not fathers, teaching their sons how to be male. Consequently, many Nice Guys have adopted a female perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood defined by women. The Female Dominated Educational System The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys being raised by women. Since World War II, boys have entered schools dominated by females. For most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to please women. From kindergarten through sixth grade, I had only one male teacher and six females. This is pretty consistent with national norms. Men account for just one in four teachers nationwide. In the primary grades, they make up only 15% of the teaching staff, and that number is steadily dropping. From daycare to preschool to elementary school, little boys in the post-war era have been surrounded by women. There have been few adult males to help them through this experience. If a little boy was already disconnected from his father and trained to please a woman, the typical school system magnified this conditioning. The Vietnam War In the '60s, the Vietnam War crystallized the feeling of alienation between many baby boom boys and their fathers. Battle lines were drawn between young men protesting a war started and perpetuated by their fathers. A generation of World War II veterans could not understand the flaunting of responsibility and the social rebellion of their sons. The young men of this generation became the antithesis of their fathers and of an establishment that solved domestic and international problems with guns and bombs. The anti-war movement created a new breed of males focused on love, peace, and avoiding conflict. Women's Liberation During this same period of time, many women were beginning to work outside of the home, birth control provided new freedom, and women's liberation was in its infancy. Some mothers during the Baby Boom era could foresee a change in gender roles on the horizon. They worked to prepare their sons and daughters for what was to come. Many of these mothers raised their daughters to not need a man. At the same time, they trained their sons to be different from their fathers — peaceful, giving, nurturing, and attentive to a woman's needs. Radical feminism in the '60s and '70s projected an angry generalization about men. Some feminists claimed that men were the cause all of the problems in the world. Others asserted that men were merely an unnecessary nuisance. More than likely, the majority of women during this era did not feel this way about men. Nevertheless, enough angry women were significantly vocal to contribute to a social climate that convinced many men that it was not OK to be just who they were. Epitaphs like "men are pigs" and "all men are rapists" were prominent during this time. Less angry slogans of feminism asserted that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Men who were already conditioned to look to women for definition and approval were especially susceptible to these kinds of messages. This added incentive for these men to try to figure out what women wanted and try to become that in order to be loved and get their needs met. Soft Males And Boy-MenRobert Bly, the author of Iron John, writes about how the social changes of the Baby Boom era created a new breed of American men. Bly calls these men "soft males." He writes, "they're lovely, valuable people — I like them — they're not interested in harming the earth or starting wars. There's a gentle attitude toward life in their whole being and style of living. But many of these men are not happy. You quickly notice the lack of energy in them. They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving. Ironically, you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy. Here we have a finely-tuned young man, ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the universe, yet he himself has little vitality to offer." From a different perspective, Camille Paglia comments on how the social changes of the last five decades have changed roles of men and women. "The hard-driving woman has to switch personae when she gets home. She's got to throttle back, or she'll castrate everything in the domestic niche. Many white, middle-class women have dodged this dilemma by finding themselves a nice, malleable boy-man who becomes another son in the subliminally matriarchal household." ("Politically Incorrect Desires," Salon: Issue 49) Regardless of whether we call these men "soft males," "sensitive new age guys," or "Nice Guys," the unique combination of social events in the post-World War II era reinforced and magnified the messages that many little boys had already received from their families — that they weren't OK just as they were. These social events further amplified the belief that if they wanted to be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life, they had to hide their flaws and become what others (especially women) wanted them to be. My observation in recent years points to the reality that the conditioning described above did not end with the Baby-Boom generation. I am seeing more and more young men in their twenties, and even teens, who demonstrate all of the characteristics of the Nice Guy Syndrome. Not only have these young men been effected by all of the social dynamics listed above, even more grew up in single parent families or were raised by Nice Guy fathers. As I write this, I expect that we are just beginning on our third generation of Nice Guys. The Habits Of Highly Ineffective MenAs a result of the family and social conditioning described above, Nice Guys struggle to get what they want in love and life. Due to their shame and ineffective survival mechanisms, the road map they follow just won't take them where they want to go. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something different, their life paradigm requires that they keep trying harder, doing more of the same. I frequently tell Nice Guys, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always had." To reiterate what I've illustrated before, Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting what they want in love and life by: Seeking the approval of others.Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.Putting other people's needs and wants before their own.Sacrificing their personal power and playing the role of a victim.Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine energy.Co-creating relationships that are less than satisfying.Creating situations in which they do not have very much good sex.Failing to live up their full potential.The next seven chapters present a proven plan to show recovering Nice Guys the most effective ways to do something different. Read on. It is time for you to start getting what you want in love and life.