恭喜好奇毕业生李千蔚被Reed College录取｜Searching For Something Higher | 申请文书
前言：
前段时间收到了美国Reed College的录取通知，我的申请季也由此画下句号。这封通知不仅意味着我申请季的结束，也意味着我在好奇的时光的结束，简而言之就是我彻底毕业了。回忆我在好奇的接近五年时间，在分享我的文书之前，我也想分享一点我的心路历程。
我的申请季过得并不顺利，除去繁重的学业压力以外，我第一次感到了幻灭，第一次觉得大多数人虚伪不堪、傲慢、为目的不择手段。而申请中种种对招生官喜好的揣测和讨好也让我厌倦，我开始质疑真诚是否是那么重要，而我以前如此重视的品质是否只是一个绊脚石。但我后来想，这个世界的确烂透了，而人是如此的无能为力，我们并不能改变很多事情，我们的努力也并不会受到赏识。但我至少能做的是坚持做我认为是正确的事，即使要为此付出代价。
以及我想说，我以前就很讨厌看别的学校发出申请到精英学校的学生的申请文书和活动列表作为某种成功案例以及让以后的申请者参考，我绝对无意成为他们中的一员。虽然我分享的是我的申请文书，但其中的感受与经历都是真实的，也因此，希望大家能把它当作我自己的经历感受的一个整合，而非一篇目的性十足的申请文书。我觉得这一切也没有多少可以参考的，如果做什么都只是为了上个大学，其实挺没劲的，做点自己真正喜欢的好事吧！
好奇学习社区2021届毕业生 李千蔚
编者注：本文作者李千蔚同学，于2017年3月加入好奇学习社区，2021年6月毕业。2022年3月被美国“里德学院（Reed College）”录取。里德学院，是全美学术声誉最高的私立学校之一，也是乔布斯的母校。培养出过32位罗德学者、50多位福布莱特学者及两位麦克阿瑟奖得主。
恭喜千蔚，本文收到的赞赏将全部转交李千蔚同学。
本文分为中英两版，英文是最终完成稿，所以会简洁一点。
此外，本文灵感来自米兰·昆德拉的《不能承受的生命之轻》，书中Teresa说她“yearned for something higher”。我知道一些版本把这句话翻译为”她想‘出人头地’，但我并不认同，因此保留了“Something higher”一词没有进行翻译。至于我对Something higher一词的理解，我想如果你看完我的文书会明了。
01
我从小就知道我在寻找something higher。
我出生在中国西南部一个繁华的城市，或许因为其阴雨潮湿的天气，这个城市时常显露出与其繁华相悖的一种小镇般的沉闷。我自小就害怕这样的沉闷，害怕我父母过着的那般循规蹈矩的生活，害怕整个城市具有的暮色般的清晰以及死板的秩序。我的寻找正是从这种害怕中生发出来的。
13岁那年，我从初中退学进入了一所微型，名叫好奇的创新型学习社区读书。我在好奇得到了我幼时梦寐以求的自由，我开始重新捡起因为学业压力而荒废的阅读，我开始用文字表达自己，我开始过着我曾经做梦也不会想到的生活。最重要的是，我的未来开始被笼罩上一层清晨的浓雾，我不用再按照旧有的清晰的秩序生活，我可以在这个新的世界里创造我想要的，我开始停止我的追寻，因为我认为我已经得到了我的“something higher”。
15岁那年，我突然开始问我自己，什么是“something higher”？彼时我已经在好奇读了两年，最初的新鲜感褪去，生活的巨大的包容性把我在好奇岁月的所有梦幻的荣光都隐去了，好奇成了我生活的新秩序，而我的追寻，伴随着对生活的沉闷的又一次感知，重新找到了我。
这种追寻曾一度让我苦不堪言，但或许正是因为我不愿囿于我自己设下的界限与给人安全感的秩序，我开始尝试走出我的舒适圈。我开始逼迫自己在课堂上发言，参加公众演讲，尝试做小组项目的领导，以及用除我早已熟悉的文字之外其它艺术媒介来表达我自己。然而这种追寻并非不携带阴影——我对于“something higher”的追寻已不仅仅限于尝试做我不敢做的事。这种追寻已从先前的探索变为一种破坏性的激情，我想我的生活需要一场变革，我需要抹去一切的秩序。
就在那时，我突然明白什么是我的“something higher”——我需要“something higher than life”。于是这个追寻成为了一个可笑的滑稽剧——这个世界上还有什么能“higher than life”？
哲学带着答案找到了我。
当我开始接触到哲学，我一下就被那种审慎的思维方式，以及其对真理的渴望迷住了。于是，我一直坚信哲学的作用是带给人解决一切的明晰的答案，它应该向人揭示真理。然而，哲学也受制于自己的矛盾律，它对怀疑的强调使得人被永远地阻隔于安稳的“真理”一步之外。人类千年来的智性运动或许并未让我们与真理更近，哲学的谱系有过笛卡尔、康德、黑格尔，但没有一个人被认为拥有真理，一切都仍在被质疑。我曾经痛苦于哲学这样没有出路的追寻，它似乎在说人类一切的努力不过是在原地打转，所谓的真理不过是一个海市蜃楼。
辗转反侧过无数的夜晚之后我突然明白，我的问题、我对哲学的理解一开始就错了。我需要的从来不是那个“something higher”，不是人人趋之若鹜的真理，我真正渴望的是追寻。我真正想做的是一支被发出的，还未到达目的地的箭矢。这与哲学不谋而合：当哲学寻找到所谓的绝对真理那天它就会死去，就像箭矢在到达靶心后就失去了它的意义。
因此，我的追寻与哲学，它们是一对双生子，它们都既是手段也是目的，它们只因矛盾性而存在。它必须时刻渴望着它的“something higher”，又必须担忧着“something higher”将对其自身宣判的死刑。我仍然没有破解这样一个两难困境的方法，但或许破解已不是必要的了。因为我需要的只是带着对“something higher”的渴望走入清晨的浓雾，纵然一切都让人觉得看不清，纵然前路迷茫而又漫长，但这里没有暮色又沉闷的秩序。而我将在这里，如同过去的以及将来的无数的searchers一样，越过边界，花费终身寻找与创造我的启示。
I knew from my childhood that I was looking for something higher.
I was born in a bustling city in southwestern China, which, perhaps because of its rainy and humid weather, often reveals a small-town dullness. Since I was a child I have been afraid of this dullness, of the routine life my parents led, of the rigid order of the city. It was from this fear that my search was born.
The first important turning point appeared when I enrolled in a forward-thinking school called Curionesty at 13. I viewed my studies at Curionesty as a rebellion against the regularity and dullness of my life, and I began to have bright visions of my future. I believed that, as I would no longer live according to the old rigid order, my future would be exciting and covered in an early morning fog. Thus, believing I have found my something higher, I stopped my pursuit.
However, when I reached the age of 15, the novelty of school had worn off. The sense of dullness began to plague me again and urge me to set off. Thus, I started a new rebellion against my life. With the yearning to search for something higher, I no longer wanted to be caught in the boundaries I had set for myself: I pushed myself to do things I used to dread. However, at the same time, my search began to reveal its dark side: it was destructive. Nothing was satisfying me and the expectations for my goals only continued to rise. I wanted things much higher than anything in my life, which I thought I could only possess by erasing all the orders of my life.
It was then that I suddenly understood what my something higher truly was — I wanted something higher than life itself. The search then became a ridiculous travesty: for what can be higher than life itself?
Philosophy found me with the answer.
When I was first exposed to philosophy, I was immediately enraptured by its prudent way of thinking and its desire for truth. So I have always believed that the role of philosophy is to bring clear answers to everything to reveal the truth. However, philosophy is also subject to its law of contradiction, and its emphasis on skepticism seems to keep men forever blocked from the secure step of truth — the genealogy of philosophy has had many great minds, but none of them is considered to obtain the truth. Everything is still being questioned. I used to suffer from this hopeless perspective of philosophy, a perspective suggesting that human effort is meaningless and the truth is nothing but an illusion.
After tossing and turning for countless nights, I suddenly realized that my understanding of philosophy and my search were wrong from the beginning. What I needed was never the truth nor my something higher. What I really wanted was the process of the pursuit itself — I wanted to be an arrow soaring through the air endlessly without reaching my destination. This coincides with philosophy. Just as an arrow loses its purpose when it hits the bulls-eye, philosophy dies the moment the so-called absolute truth is reached.
Therefore, I found that my search is like a twin brother of philosophy: they will lose their meaning at the moment they find the thing they long for. Although I have not found a solution to the dilemma, I believe it is no longer necessary. Because all I need is to walk with the desire for something higher into the fog of the early morning, even though the road ahead is confusing and long, but it will never be dull. And I will be here, in the realm of forever novelty, crossing the border and spending my life searching and creating my “something higher”.
撰文：李千蔚
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